How Long is the Night
by Midnight Dahlia
Summary: Kathleen is haunted by her deceased love, Matt Hardy, who is trying to convince her to join him on the other side. Will she give in?
1. Default Chapter

"How Long is the Night?"

__

If we run far away do you think we will ever die?

We'll throw these books in the fire

Can you stop the train?

Cause it some delay?

The change machine lied

And it's too late to scream 

How long is the night?

"Kathleen, we need to talk." I awake to that familiar voice again. 'Damn him' I think to myself, why must he keep doing this to me? As I open my eyes, they slowly adjust to the blackness of the room. I look at the alarm clock on my nightstand. One forty-five in the morning, to my surprise, I managed to get a whole hour of sleep. That's more than usual these last three months.

"Matt Hardy what is it now?" I yell into the stillness of the night air.

"You were right. We should have taken that trip to the Bahamas. I'm sure Vince would have given me the time off. Just the two of us getting far away from the WWE, our family, and our problems." 

I laugh loudly. "I asked you and you refused. You said wrestling was more important than working out our problems. So I bought my train ticket and went back to Minnesota to stay with my best friend Susanna. I thought the time away from each other would be the next best thing."

"I returned to our hotel room the night you left. I wanted to say sorry for our fight earlier in the day. I bought you an engagement ring and a beautiful card that I was going to give you. I finally was ready for that commitment you wanted, but when I entered the room, you were gone. No note or any explanation."

"I know I wish I could take it all back." I thought I was all cried out. However, I could feel the tears flow down my cheek again.

__

It's never over

It's never over

The ribbon was tied 

But the card was never read

It's never over

It's never over

The ribbon was crimson the color of the night

"Wow, the nights seem never ending since you returned. I would give anything to have things back the way they were before, problems and all. Still, babe, when all the memories come flooding back to me, it hurts so much. Can't you understand that? Why do you constantly remind me?" I sit up from the bed and clutch the sheet tightly as I shout into the star lit room.

"Remember our walks in the park. On our first date we took a walk in the City Park by your apartment." 

"How can I forget? Those were some of the best times we spent together."

"It was especially beautiful in autumn. Sitting under the big old oak tree."

These memories stung my heart, however, were oddly relaxing and I lay back down picturing Matt and me sitting under the tree watching people pass and talking to each other for hours. I wish I could go back to the simpler times.

__

Can you see the handwriting on the walls?

And on the autumn leaves that fall

What are we going to do?

The trees are giving up on us

The needle and the thread

Won't stitch us to the branch 

And the night it never ends

"I can never let you go Kathleen." 

I can feel a cold breeze pass over my body as he calmly speaks those words. I pull the covers up to my head and close my eyes. It is no use. I just see Matt's image as his voice grows louder.

"I can never let you go Kathleen." He's apart of me during the night and when I try to sleep I can't get away from him. Am I going crazy?

__

I will never sleep again 

(I will never even close my eyes)

I will never sleep again 

(I will never even close my eyes)

"I can't leave you Kathleen." 

"I know Matt. However, it's time. We are not meant to be together right now."

"You know what you have to do."

"No, I'm not ready to die." I say in an unsure whisper. 

Matt was my first real love. Yeah, I've dated but he was the first man that I could actually see myself put down roots with and marry. Unfortunately, he was not ready for such a big step. Wrestling was his number one priority. I understood that so I traveled with him and tried to be supportive. Yet it wasn't easy. I wanted something more and that led to many arguments between the two of us. I thought that a vacation would help but he didn't want to ask for time off. As a last resort, I decided to leave. It was hard and I couldn't bring myself even to write a note. Three years together and I walked away without leaving so much as a goodbye. I felt guilty. According to some of his wrestling friends, he was devastated when I left. Adam Copeland called me the night that Matt had his fatal accident. It was Tuesday and SmackDown was taping. He was tagging with Shannon Moore in a ladder match. From what I was told, his heart was not into the match. When Shannon tagged him he climbed an eight-foot ladder and lost his balance landing wrong on his neck. The EMT's rushed him to the local hospital where he was announced dead on arrival. I was in disbelief and broke down in tears, tears that would last for months and months. However, he wasn't gone for long, he began to haunt me and the nights became never ending. I love him so much but he comes to me reminding me of our life together. He keeps trying to get me to go with him to the other side where we can heal our wounds and reunite. 

__

If the sun is on its way

Then we will never die

And we'll follow these tracks to the sight

Now the lungs collapse

Air is getting thin

All breath expired

Is it too late to heal?

I stumble out of bed, make my way to the bathroom and take a long look at myself in the mirror. Dark bags under my blood shot eyes, features of a sleepless woman. 

"You are so beautiful." I hear Matt whisper in my ear and feel that cold breeze against my skin again.

"No, this is all my imagination." I tell myself as I fight the urge to grab the bottle of painkillers in my medicine cabinet.

I quickly walk out of the bathroom and back to bed. I sit and feel a book next to my hand. I reach over to my nightstand and turn on the small desk lamp. It was my photo album. I open the book and see the many pictures of Matt and me. The smiling, laughing, loving couple pops out of each page. I long to be with him again.

__

How long is the night?

It's never over

It's never over

The ribbon was tied 

But the card was never read

It's never over

It's never over

The ribbon was crimson the color of the night

It's all I ever see anymore

But the day was so bright in the pictures

In the photo album that you gave me

It's all I have to live for

Live for

I run this time into the bathroom. I open my medicine cabinet and grab the pills. I make my way back to my bed and kneel down next to it. My hand fumbles with the childproof cap until it finally opens and I pour a hand full into my hand. Tears are now uncontrollably rolling down my face. 

"Kathleen, I love you." I hear Matt say.

Pills in my right hand I put my head on the bed trying to control my emotions.

"Matt dammit. Why do you insist on doing this to me?"

I pick my head off the bed and notice that it is two in the morning."

I wail into the gloom filled room, "how long is the night?" as I throw the pills to the floor.

__

I'm falling down

I'm falling down

And you're not here to break my fall

I shut my eyes when you're around

I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice

I'm falling down

I'm falling down

And you're not here to break my fall

I shut my eyes when you're around

I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice

I'm falling down

I'm falling down

And you're not here to break my fall

Song- **Thursday's "How Long is the Night"**


	2. The Great Below

  
**"The Great Below" Sequel to "How Long is the Night"**

__

Staring at the sea,  
will he come?

I sit in front of the sea, tips of my toes touching the water, looking out at the setting sun. Alone, I glance up at the sky filled with orange, red and lavender. It helps make the atmosphere seem almost surreal. The cool autumn breeze brushes my exposed skin and suddenly I am reminded of you. It has been over a year since you reappeared in my life. Whispering in my ear to join you on the other side where we can reunite and heal our wounds. I must say that it was a haunting temptation I found hard to refuse. Yet I somehow managed to when I threw those pills out of my hand. I suppose you took that as your cue I would not join you because shortly after you stopped haunting me. Once you were gone, all I was left with was time to reflect. I reflected on my foolish pride and us. I learned that if you truly love someone you standby them no matter the circumstances. I should have had more faith in our love and supported your career. Who cares about marriage as long as we had each other, right? However, it was too late for regrets. I can feel tears stream down the side of my face. A reoccurring reaction whenever I think of you. I gaze into the water and as if you were some magical fish, expect you to appear. 

__

Is there hope for me?  
After all is said and done  
anything at any price  
all of this for you  
all the spoils of a wasted life  
all of this for you

Matt, I tried to move on with my life. I know that you wanted me to be with you but I figured that since I wasn't I would move on. Although I often felt alone without you here, I really wasn't. Your wrestling family became like my own family. Adam would frequently call to check up on me. Even invited me over to spend Christmas with him and his wife. Jeff also visited a few times. We just engaged in meaningless small talk but I knew he meant well. Shortly after that eventful night, I returned to my job waiting tables. I figured it was time to let go of my self-pity and go on with life as normal. But that was just a façade. I was really hurting inside and hoped beyond hope that I would see you again. Who am I kidding? I can't function normally in my daily life. Maybe it is the depression talking but I feel my life is just a waste. These feelings of emptiness mixed in with feelings of unresolved issues have caused me to think twice about your offer. I never realized that I would fall so hard for a man. All of this is for you my love.

__

All the world has closed her eyes.  
Tried faith all worn and thin  
for all we could have done  
and all that could have been.  


I regularly imagine what could have been between the two of us. A happy loving couple with a house, children, pets. Heck I would have even drove a minivan. Yet you aren't here and I am left with the impression that your death is my fault. I could have left a note. At least then, you wouldn't have worried and could've concentrated on your match. But no, I was so self absorbed and hell bent on making you pay for not marring me. Impulsively I stand up from the sand and make my way into the water. Ankle deep inside, I feel as if mother earth has closed her eyes to me and is saying _I can't bare to see you do it. Another creature taken from my womb. _However, my faith in things ever getting better has worn thin. All I can think about is you. All I can think about is us.

__

Ocean pulls me close  
and whispers in my ear.  
The destiny I've chose  
all becoming clear.  
The currents have their say  
the time is drawing near.  
Washes me away  
makes me disappear.  
  
As I slowly walk further into the ice-cold seawater, I cannot help but wonder if this will truly bring us together. Nonetheless, I cannot think of that now for my destiny has been chosen. Now waist deep, I can feel the currents push at me. I hold out my arms to my sides and take in the splashes of water and the cold autumn breeze. I walk further and further until I cannot stand up anymore. The current pushes at me and I find myself trapped under the water.

__

I descend from grace  
in arms of undertow.  
I will take my place  
in the great below.

Caught in the undertow, I can feel my lugs start to crave for air. I was never good at swimming or holding my breath. I open my eyes and everything is blurry. I oddly feel at peace with myself. A feeling I haven't felt for a while. My head now feels as if it is going to explode. It will only be a matter of time now. 

__

I can still feel you  
even so far away.

_  
_I close my eyes for a brief second. I open them and I am no longer in the water. I don't know where I am. Everything is black like night without stars. Then I feel an old familiar touch on my left shoulder. Matt I turn with excitement but no one is there.

__

I can still feel you  
even so far away.

****

Song- "The Great Below" by Nine Inch Nails


	3. Even Deeper

****

"Even Deeper" Part 3 in the "How Long is the Night" Series

__

I woke up today  
to find myself in the other place.  
With a trail of footprints  
from where I ran away.

My eyes slowly open and I instantly see the sparkle of a billion stars illuminating the sky of black. Laying on my back my head hurts and my lungs are throbbing. What the hell happened. One minute I was in a place completely black, where I felt Matt's touch and the next I am back on this damn beach. How? Why? With the little strength that remains within my body, I turn to my side as tiny grains of sand stick to my wet skin. A short distance away, I can see a trail of my footprints leading to the place I ran to for my salvation. 

"Damn I was so close to being reunited with you Matt! Why God? Why are you teasing me?" I whisper to myself.

"Oh Kathleen, thank goodness you're alright. I was so worried about you."

Startled I quickly shift to my back, holding myself up with my arms, and am shocked at who I see. Was this the man who stopped me from being reunited with Matt?

"Wa-what are you doing here? I haven't seen you since Matt's funeral."  
"I followed you. I was watching you peacefully sitting by the ocean. You seemed completely lost in thought. The next thing I know you're walking into the ocean. At first I thought you were just going for a swim, however, when I saw you go under and not come back up I rushed in and saved you "  
"Why Shannon? Why did you follow me? Better yet, why did you save me?" I was confused and angry as hell. This man couldn't even talk to me let alone look me in the eye at Matt's funeral so why is he here now.

"Um well I sure wasn't going to let you drown." He looked uncomfortable as he ran his hand through his wet blond hair. "I've also wanted to talk to you for a while now. I have been holding something in since the night Matt died. I'm just now finding the courage to tell you." 

I study the intensity on his face. Frankly, I am not sure if I want to hear this. I see an empty stare in his beautiful green eyes, oddly reminds me of the empty look I often see in my own reflection.

"I'm sorry Kathleen. If you don't want to hear this now I can just drive you to the hospital and we can make sure that you are alright."

Suddenly my decision was made, "No really I'm fine, considering the circumstances. And please tell me what you came here to say." I stand up and grab his hand. I can sense what he has to say is going to chance both our lives. I hear him release a heavy sigh, "Kathleen I would have told you sooner. However, when I would ask Jeff how you were feeling, he would tell me that you were an emotional mess. I didn't want to add more burden on your already heavy heart."

I remember Jeff mentioning a few times briefly that Shannon would ask about me but I never really thought much of it. "Listen Shannon whatever you have to say please say it."

"I stopped Matt." I watch as he swallows before continuing. "I stopped Matt from being with you."

__

It seems everything I've heard  
just might be true  
and you know me  
(well you think you do)  
sometimes, I have everything - yet I wish I felt something.

"Why would you say something like that Shannon?" 

"The night you left Matt was going to skip our tag match and go looking for you. I convinced him to stay at least until after the show. I promised that I would help him find you once the show was over. Unfortunately, he didn't make it to the end of the show. When I would hear from people, like Jeff and Adam, how distraught you were over his death, I couldn't shake the feeling that your unhappiness was my fault. I slowly came to the realization that this was an incident beyond any of our control. However, I still felt that you needed to know. That's why I am here and that's why I saved you. You need to know Matt loved you and was willing to give up his career to be with you. But now that he is gone he would want you to be happy and live your life."

I hang my head low in shame. All this time I blamed myself for his death yet it wasn't my fault. I guess deep down I've always knew it wasn't my fault. It would be easy to sit her and blame Shannon but deep in the remains of my heart, I know that it isn't his fault either. 

" Kathleen, I know that you almost drowning wasn't an accident." He says as he gently lifts up my head so we are face to face.

"You're right it wasn't. I want to die." I answer solemnly. 

"Why?" 

__

Do you know how far this has gone?  
Just how damaged have I become?  
When I think I can overcome  
it runs even deeper.

"I don't know how much Adam or Jeff told you but I had a break down about a year ago. I was hearing Matt's voice. He kept reminding me about our happy times together. Eventually he invited me to join him on the other side. I was strong at first. I threw those pills out of my hand and refused to kill myself. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough. I constantly think that there has to be more for me on the other side. Shannon I no longer enjoy this life. Death has lost its power to terrify me and I know it's no longer the enemy. It is my friend. A friend that will guide me to a new beginning with Matt." Shannon is looking at me astonished. I know he thinks my twisted logic is crazy. But to hell with him. To hell with everyone who stands in my way to be reunited with Matt. I watch as he takes a seat in the sand. He motions me to take a seat next to him. Confused I walk toward him and sit.

"Please continue." I can see his features soften and I hear sincerity in his voice.

"The only place I would see him is in my dreams. It was wonderful but when he tried to hold me, I couldn't feel him. It was like hugging fog. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided the only way I could feel him, hold him and love him is if I killed myself." 

__

And in a dream I'm a different me  
with a perfect you  
we fit perfectly.  
And for once in my life I feel complete  
and I still want to ruin it  
afraid to look  
as clear as day  
this plan has long been underway  
  
"Wow, it sounds like you've been fighting a war with yourself. Kind of like I was." 

His statement confuses me, "Shannon what are you talking about?"  
"I told you I felt responsible for a long time about Matt's death. I even went into a deep depression. Depression can have a strong hold on a person and make them feel emotions that no other 'normal' individual would feel. I thought about death a couple of times as well. Then I sought help. I was surrounded by people who understood how I felt. I soon realized I wasn't responsible. Hell I'm no psychic I couldn't have known what was going to happen. Not to say that I don't feel bad for what happened because I do. However, I have grieved and now I hold onto the memories of Matt. Listen Kathleen, you are young and beautiful and have a whole life ahead of you. Unfortunately, you haven't been able to grieve. You seem to be holding on to what could be rather than what has been."  
His words sting my heart. No one has ever laid it out for me like that. I know other's intentions were good when they asked if I were okay. But no one ever took the time to hear my cries except for Shannon. He was right as well. Maybe this whole thing has surfaced all because I have never properly mourned Matt's death. I have been so wrapped up in this fantasy of reuniting that I never stopped to just cry and surround myself with positive things.

"Kathleen what are you thinking?" I'm snapped back into my reality by Shannon's question.

"It's hard to fight the voice alone." I manage to choke out through the tears that started to freely pour down my face.

__

I hear them call  
I cannot stay  
the voice inviting me away  
  
do you know how far this has gone?  
_Just how damaged have I become?  
When I think I can overcome  
it runs even deeper  
everything that matters is gone  
all the hands of hope have withdrawn  
could you try to help me hang on?  
It runs..._

  
"Will you help me hang on Shannon." I plead, "I want to live." 

"I'm here for you Kathleen." He pulls me close and wraps me in a warm hug. It is the safest I have felt in a long time.

__

I'm straight  
I won't crack  
on my way  
and I can't turn back  
I'm okay  
I'm on track  
on my way  
and I can't turn back  
I stayed  
on this track  
gone too far  
and I can't come back  
I stayed  
on this track  
lost my way  
can't go back

****

Song- "Even Deeper" by Nine Inch Nails


End file.
